“10,000 demons hammer down at every footstep; 10,000 angels rush the wind against my back…” – Brandon Flowers
I’ve always suffered from unyielding ambivalence. I live in constant indecision and doubt. I struggle with commitment. I generally prefer being apathetic to feeling anything.
But 2010 has changed me. I suddenly have convictions I never recognized previously. I’m confident in my decisions. I find myself earnestly absorbing each and every one of these new experiences and emotions that have engulfed my spirit since I moved to New York City a month ago.
This year has been… stirring. I ended a relationship. I lost a job. I moved out of an apartment on one coast and into an apartment on another coast. Every single one of these events has forced me to look into the mirror and question my motives and desires… and in the process I’ve realized that I am the product of both benevolent motives and malevolent desires.
As a result, the barometer of morality that I’ve always held myself to has changed. I can’t judge myself anymore for acting recklessly in the spirit of fulfilling prophecies. I can’t blame myself for performing in accordance with my instincts because my heart yearns so desperately for recognition. I am also confronted by the challenging task of being both perfectly humble and disarmingly cocky… all of which has resulted in my often asking myself “who the hell ARE you??”
Of course, for all the intensity of experience and emotion I’ve felt as of late, I’ve also become incredibly Zen and serene… the best possible combination for a leap-of-faith move to New York City in the middle of a recession.
...here goes...
