life: day 9.928

I feel like I've been experiencing this absurd quarter-life crisis for the past six or seven years: I've stumbled through my twenties ambivalently and often recklessly, all in the name of the "search for self." This is absurd for a number of reasons, mostly because the obvious pretentiousness just having a "quarter-life crisis" screams "I'm an entitled brat who has no real problems so I'm obsessed with myself." Also: who has any kind of crisis that lasts this long (besides the occupation of Afghanistan)? So I've decided to finally stop talking about it, and start being about it. I asked myself, what is causing my "crisis" and how can I alleviate this issue?

For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of seeing the world, of meeting people from everywhere I can possibly imagine, and bonding over the miraculousness of the human experience. I've always been obsessed with people and attempting to live life through their eyes at every opportunity. I love history and sociology and psychology and art and music and books as a direct result of this obsession, and believe every major action we take in our lives is a direct result of the relationships we build. I love both observing and experiencing the development of these relationships.

But my nourishment is also my poison. Although I am practically incapable of having casual relationships with anyone, I make a habit of keeping people just far enough away from me to make a clean break if I have to. I have deeply-seeded commitment issues. I have a very profound fear of investing too deeply in my relationships and I sincerely believe this fear has been the driving force behind the anxiety and insecurity I haven't been able to shake.

So step one in project: shake the crisis is to resolve my intimacy and commitment issues. (I know what you're thinking: easier said than done. But for the sake of my sanity, I'm giving it a go.) Strategically, I'm sure this can be done in several ways; since I tend to be a "flyer" rather than a "fighter," I'm sticking with what I know and going as far away as I can get. I'm thinking it's a bizarre combination of reverse psychology and aversion therapy: isolate myself from the comforts of home and the people who stir my soul until my heart explodes in loneliness.

I'm not sure how effective this strategy will be. However I do know that in the process of testing the hypothesis, I'll begin step two in project: shake the crisis: live a meaningful life with no regrets. I like to think everyone wants to live a meaningful life with no regrets, and that we all have different means of achieving this end. Unsurprisingly, for me this manifests as a very intense desire to experience the world in every corner and from every walk of life. The opportunity to live amongst people who have not only survived war and genocide, famine and poverty... but who have emerged to embrace life with an eagerness and earnestness that I am often too spoiled and too cowardly to even recognize, much less engage in myself, will undoubtedly be immensely transformative.

Finally, I've always had a nagging desire to tell the story of the world from my eyes. Perhaps fulfilling this desire will chip away at the crisis that has debilitated me for so long, and that's why I'm doing all of this. This will require both emotional and practical upkeep (and therefore hopefully address the intimacy and commitment paranoia): I must be vulnerable and sincere in my anecdotes, and I must be committed to posting regularly. I will finally be able to tell the story of life, wherever I am in the world, as it happens. This time will be different from the other haphazard attempts because this time, I'm actually living it... not just talking about living it.